The Trouble with Author Signings

So here's the thing. While author signings are truly a blast, and so worth the effort, they are, for me, a little bit (maybe even a lot) scary. Suddenly, I'm meant to think of something witty and brilliant to say during my two-at-the-most minutes with the author. And not only witty brilliant, something Witty Brilliant that no one else has thought of.  And I'm not a witty brilliant person. I have to plan my wit and brilliance and still, that never works for me! So, while waiting in line, I get nervous wondering which of these scenarios it will be THIS time. (By the way, all these are based on my real experiences. Though a little exaggerated here!)

First, there's the Stalker Approach: "I LOVE your book! I LOVE your style! No wait, I love YOU! You'll never stop writing, right? You'll write forever and ever and ever? Because I'm here for you, I'll read WHATEVER you give me! Really."

Or the Really Shy Approach: "Hi. Here's my book that you wrote. I like it. Will you sign it?" (This is what I want to do most of the time, but I would regret it later.)

Then there's always the Blog Talk: "Hi. Love your book. I blogged about it! Yeah, I have a blog. Yeah, I'm a book blogger. Do you like/hate book bloggers?  Do you have a blog? Do you read blogs? Do you know what a blog is? Here's my bookmark/business card/URL/Twitter name.... just in case you're interested." (This is what I want to say sometimes, but rarely dare to.)

Or you can Name Drop: "Hi. Love your book. I'm friends with Natasha of Maw Books Blog. You know her, right? Of course you do, everyone knows her. But yeah, we're, like, friends." (Pretty much what I said to Shannon Hale. ACK! But the next time I saw Shannon Hale... she remembered me, I think.)

Sometimes Hiding Behind Kids works: "Hi. Here's my kid Toto. She likes to read too and so why do you think she should read your book?" or "Hi. Here's my kid JJ. We read all the YA books together. So yeah, how does YOUR book compare to Twilight?" (We did this over and over at the Authorpalooza last February.)

Or Bring Someone Else: "Hi. I'm Suey and this is my friend so and so.... and she'll talk now.... because yeah, she reads too and everything." (Now, this could be good and bad both. What do you think?)

Then there's the Name Dilemma: "Hi.... so can you sign my book to Suey, it's easier than my real name, and perhaps you'll remember Suey for when I blog about you or send you an email or comment on your blog, and yeah I know it's funny nickname and I know it's what you call pigs to eat with but yeah my college roommate named me that and yeah.... okay maybe you SHOULD sign to my real name after all ..... then again maybe you could just sign it to the whole family because this book is actually everyone's I think.  Wait, actually maybe Toto/JJ/Moder/The Mr. got this book for Christmas? Hmmm... I can't remember... so yeah, maybe you should sign it to them...or maybe......" ( I pretty much go through this at every author signing. Seriously pathetic.)

Perhaps you do the Ultimate #1Fangirl (or Stalker #2): "Hi! Omigosh, I love your book so much. I love you so much. I write about you ALL THE TIME on my blog! Yeah, can I have a picture!?? Please? Omigosh, I can't believe I'm talking to you! Wow, this is so cool. Omigosh. I've read ALL your books. Ten times. Omigosh." (This is totally how I felt talking to Brandon Sanderson, but I really truly hope it didn't sound quite this bad. If I ever meet Markus Zusak I WILL sound this bad. Suh-woon! Someone will have to go with me and pick me up off the floor.)

Then there's the It's Me Again (or Stalker #3): "Hey hi! Remember me? Yeah, so does it look like I'm following you all over the place? Because yeah, I am! But hey, you keep writing so I have to keep getting books signed, silly me." (Pretty much what I said to James Dashner, just the other day.)

Or the opposite of that, the Foot in the Mouth Approach: "So, um. Who are you? Why are you here? Did you write a book or something? Is it good? Oh, so THIS is your book? Oh, nice cover anyway. So, why haven't I heard of you? I mean, after all, I'm a book blogger and uh, I've pretty much heard of everyone." (LOL... so NOT something I would ever say! But I have said "nice cover" to an unfamiliar-to-me author, and have since bought the book!)

Do you find yourself saying these same silly things? What other approaches do you use while talking to authors? Do you have any Witty Brilliant suggestions for me? Do you always promote your blog to them? And if so, how? And all you people who get to go to the Big Huge Festivals like BEA and meet author after author after author... what do you say to them all? I know some of you are the Witty Brilliant types and are probably wondering what I'm even talking about here, but for those who are the shy, reclusive types, I seriously want to know... what do you say?